Sunday, January 21, 2007


My days are getting more exciting with each passing day. Here's a few things that took place during the last couple of days.
I'm walking with my neighbor and as a loving gesture, I place my hand on her butt. I thought it might need a little massaging. Whereupon she cracks me a good one in the eye for getting fresh.

And yes, for those of you who are wondering, her butt is a lot cuter than her face. I wonder why every woman who has heard this version of the story replies with, "Good for you." The guys say, "It must be hell to be old and slow and not be able to get out of the way of an in-coming fist fast enough."

Actually, this is what really happened. I'm working on something in my carport and two parts were stuck together. I'm trying to pull both pieces apart, when all of a sudden it gives way and my right fist flies up and hits me in the right eye. It knocked me backwards, and lucky for me, the truck was there to keep me from falling to the ground. It hurt like hell, but I had presence of mind to look around with my left eye to see if anyone saw me do my "Stupid" trick.

Shortly thereafter, I'm pounding some nails into a piece of wood and had my left arm in a place that it shouldn't have been. Took a swing at the nail, missed it and the board altogether and ended up hitting my left wrist. Raised a large marble sized knot on my arm and it too, hurt like hell. Again, looked around to see if anyone saw me do "Stupid" trick number two. Wouldn't want Steve to cut the beer off.

The next day, I'm flying down the freeway, no on second thought, crawling down the freeway in morning traffic when the person in a vehicle to my right decides to change lanes. She, yes I said she because men don't drive crazy, started crossing into my lane, and my lighting fast evasive action prevented something that could have been more serious. Actually, the fast evasive action was to POOP MY PANTS AND SCREAM LIKE A GIRL. We pulled into the emergency lane and I got out to view the outcome.
The damage was minor and caused by her side mirror which came in contact with the side of my truck and scraped the paint for several feet.

The girl was close to tears, kept apologizing, and said the episode had scared the hell out of her. Now some tears, more apologizing and I'm standing there thinking as my legs are turning to jelly, "Aw, crap." I finally asked her if she planned on being more careful, to which she replied through the tears, "Oh, yes!" I got into my truck and left. As I drove off, I thought to myself, she did what girls do best. Scammed me with tears.

Got to my first appointment and started to check the wiring for a light fixture. Immediately after the flying sparks, I found that I had damaged my meter because I had it on the incorrect setting. Finished the job without further incidents and gathered up my tool caddy, ladder, etc. and headed down to the truck. I set my stuff at the rear of the truck and was fishing for the keys when all of a sudden, the truck started rolling backwards. I'm thinking did I not set the hand brake and why would it start rolling after being parked in the same spot for an hour. When the rear tire rolled onto my tool caddy, I started to SCREAM, again like a girl. The brake lights came on and I'm thinking someone is trying to steal my truck. After the dust had settled, it dawned on me that although it looked like my truck, it really wasn't. Mine was parked several spaces away. Jeez!

My next appointment was to fix a leaky kitchen sink faucet. It was old as dirt and had two handles. Replaced the seals, turned the water valves back on and noticed the right side was still leaking a bit. Shut the water valves off and proceeded to remove the right stem assembly from the faucet body. I needed to clean the stem with water, so I figured I'd open the valve for the left side and open the faucet handle just a little for the water I needed. As luck might have it, I opened the right valve instead of the left. Let's just say the guys ceiling is a little cleaner now. In my defense, the valves were hidden behind more junk than one could imagine and could only feel for what I thought was the correct one. Time for "Stupid" to head home and get into bed.
And yes, this is what duct tape will do for a fix on my tool caddy. I could buy a new one, but my chinese wallet won't let me do it.

Friday, January 19, 2007


I have to wonder if the medical establishment in general has a conspiracy going on to maximize the amount of money they can get from each person using medical services. For instance, I went to the mailbox yesterday and found that I had received a medical statement, the first of a number to come. This one was from Maui Memorial and I was quite curious to view the charges for the work performed.

While standing on the street in front of the mailbox, I ripped open the envelope and immediately focused on the account balance.

My heart started pounding and I slumped to my knees. I couldn't catch my breath! My neighbor came running, but since he was a he, there was no way I was going to let him give me the "Breath of Life."

This is why I think there is a conspiracy. The billing department knows full well that one will have a coronary after seeing the bill and will be able to double their money after having the patient admitted for a second time.

Sunday, January 7, 2007


I started walking the hospital hallways the day after my medical procedure because I was goin' nuts (more than usual) and wanted to leave. There's a lot of bad press floating around saying if one wants to get sick from something, go to a germ laden hospital. As I was making my rounds, I met a couple visiting a relative with heart complications, and during the course of the conversation, we got on the subject of the exorbitant medical cost of present day health care. The woman told me the last bill her brother received for a one week stay in the hospital was $200,000. where upon I immediately clutched my heart,

rolled my eyes and fell back a few steps. The woman thought I was having a coronary and by her reaction, I thought she was having one.

The nurse came running and said to me, "Back to your room!!!"

Thursday, January 4, 2007


I am back from what Robin defines as "a bump in the road" and feel pretty good.

It all started while I was visiting Robin on Maui and in the process of working like a dog for my supper. In order to get out of doing manual labor, I feigned a little illness thinking it would buy me some couch time. Robin said, "Back to work or to the doctor!" I figured I'd take my chance with the doctor and

soon found myself in the arms of a couple of cute nurses. I was provided with a $20K bed to sleep on and found it most uncomfortable. However, I'm sure the tubes, wires and needles connected to my body played a part in the discomfort. But then again, the nurses were cute.

The next day I went for a ride in an ambulance to the Maui Airport but wasn't a happy camper because the driver didn't turn on the siren and flash the lights. Got loaded on an airplane that had to cost one heck of a lot more than my $39. Go! Airline return ticket. When we landed at Honolulu, there was an ambulance waiting, but I refused to get on it until the driver promised to use the lights and siren. He obliged and off we went screamin' down the highway.
Got settled in a less expensive bed with less tubes, wires,etc. Again, more cute nurses. I proposed to a couple of them, but they declined because I wouldn't provide my bank account number. The day was December 31, and I told the doc if anything happened to me before the new year, I wanted to be put on life support until one minute after midnight so I could get the income tax deduction for '06. Just wouldn't be right to live the whole year and not get a deduction.
January 1st was a great day. Two cute and I mean cute nurses came by to shave around my most prized possession for a minor procedure. When I removed my shorts, they both were startled and I swear I heard them say, "Wow, such a big one!" They spent the next 20 minutes fondling me and I was in heaven, however I did end up looking like a sheared sheep. Also for some reason, the nurses giggled the whole time. What could that have been about......

Ended up with a Chinese doctor (only one willing to work on New Year's day) and he was all smiles until I told him I didn't have any money to pay the bill. Or course, stupid me for saying this prior to the procedure. It was over in what seemed like a few minutes (probably 'cause I was in la-la land) and the next day I was kicked out and am now the proud owner of two of these:

Actually, having this happen while visiting Robin was a good thing, although I'm sure it wasn't so great for her.

If I had been at home, I'd probably still be sittin' on the couch scratching my head wondering what the hell was wrong.