A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR ME

I was on my way to keep an appointment the other day, and since I was running ahead of schedule, I stopped at the local bike shop to check out the new bikes. I kept returning to look at the above bike and finally asked, "How much?" The salesman said, "For you, a deal. $10,500. out the door."
I tend to be impulsive on occassion but now found myself running late for the appointment. I said to the vulture, "I'll be back." Well, I never did make it back to that bike shop, however a few days later, I found myself in another bike shop. So, on an impulse, I bought the following....

↓
↓
↓
↓

$29.47 out the door. Thank you, China!

FIRST DANCE

This freshman is all dressed up for her first high school dance. It seems just a short time ago that I saw her going poopie in her diaper, and it will probably be a short time from now that she will see me going poopie in my diaper. Talk about the circle of life.....

MY LIFE HAS COME TO THIS???.......GEEZ!

Using my trusty calculator, I was in the process of balancing my checkbook but soon became distracted and lost interest in the process. Two reasons for this. I had less money than I thought, but more importantly, nature came-a-callin'. While sitting on the pot, I got to wondering about how much crap has run through my body since I was born. I couldn't get back to the calculator fast enough, and it wasn't long before I came up with a number. At roughly between a half and three quarters pound for each day of my life, it worked out to 7.9 tons. Tons mind you. That's 15,800 lbs.





Equal to the weight of 14 Cessna 152's







or about 32 of these



I think it's time I got married again and have a few more kids to prevent my brain from turning to mush. YEAH, RIGHT!

A GOOD CASE FOR NOT RENTING OUT YOUR PROPERTY

A property manager called and asked me to do some repairs on a unit where the tenant was evicted for non-payment of rent. He said, "The place is a little messy." After my initial shock, I had to wonder what a place had to look like before he would consider it a lot messy. Over the years I've seen how tenants abuse rentals and live like pigs, but this takes the cake.

TALK ABOUT MULTI-TASKING

Yesterday while entering the freeway, I found myself behind someone weaving from side to side in the traffic lane traveling about ten miles below the speed limit. Cars were whizzin' past me on both sides making it difficult to get around the nutcase ahead. Blood pressure starts to rise and was through the roof by the time I was able to move past. What do I see........A woman with a burger in one hand and a cell phone in the other with both elbows on the steering wheel eating and talking at the same time.
A couple of miles down the road, I fly past a car in the left lane going slower than the designated speed limit. What do I see.....A woman reading some document while driving in a car that contained two small children in car seats. I'll admit, I'm not too bright on occasion but never to this extent. Any one else see stupid stuff like this?

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR BOB

I show up to do some repairs at a rental property and before I could ring the doorbell, I hear a man and woman inside the unit screaming at each other. I listen for a while but can't get the gist of the argument. All I know is compared to them, I'm a whole lot happier. I gain entrance and all is quiet for a while. Shortly, the bickering starts and carries on until the repairs are completed, and as I'm leaving, I say to the husband, “What the hell’s wrong with you people. If you keep up this kind of behavior, you’ll soon be talking divorce. Do you want to end up like me? Alone, no one to come home to, no one to share my day with, no one to do things for me and pretty much……happy."