Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I learned a valuable lesson today on how my choice of words can cause some undesirable results when dealing with some elderly people.

I show up for an appointment to do some repairs, and the woman tenant is old and frail. I mean really, really old!
She is underfoot while I'm trying to evaluate the repair, so to get her out of the way, I lead her to the closest chair and have her sit down.
I tell her I'll come to her if I have questions. In short order, I determine the problem and find that I need to go to the hardware store for materials. I tell the old woman I have to go to the store and ask her if she has to be somewhere else before I can return in about 45 minutes. Still sitting in the chair, she says, "No." I say, "Okay, wait right here and I'll be back as soon as possible." When I returned, I knocked on the door and waited. And waited....and knocked....and waited. Finally, I partially open the front door and yell, "I'm back!" I hear some muted response, and as I enter, I see the old woman who immediately says to me, "I didn't move from the chair. I stayed right where you told me to stay."
That's not what I meant!

As I'm doing the repair, I wondered how long she would have sat there had I not returned.
Man....gettin' old sucks!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Why would my neighbor look at me with a sense of wonder and say to me, "Bob, you're one sick puppy,"
after I stated that I like to sit in an aisle seat when I fly on an airplane, which makes it easy for me to reach out and pat a flight attendant on the ass as she walks by. Then in my defense, I can say to her that I'm old, confused, and know not what I am doing.
How could she not forgive me?

Sunday, August 2, 2009


As I get older, I find I take pleasure in doing things that make people “nuts.” More so with kids, since it is usually easy to read on their faces what is going through their minds. Something along the lines of, I wonder how long it will be before this ol’ guy goes belly up, so I don’t have to put up with his crap anymore.

Case in point. Several days ago, I called Shelby and asked her what she wanted for her birthday. I stipulated it could be anything, as long as it didn’t cost more than $40., postage included. No way I’m going to over-indulge her with a $100. gift. After some silence on her part, she says, “Send me cash.” Wow! I think, how smart is that. She figured out how to get the most bang for the buck. After a few more minutes of conversation, I ask her to remind me how much I’m to send, and she says, “$30.” Great! With a little conversation, I just saved myself ten bucks. I’m also thinking, there’s not a whole lot of Chinese in this kid.

“It’s on the way,” I tell her.

Here’s where it starts to get crazy. I get a card and write on it something along the lines of wishing her a happy birthday, and add I can’t remember what I was supposed to include in the card. Please call and remind me what I was supposed to have included. Sure enough, I get a call from her and she said in her slow precise way, “Grandpa….. you were supposed to put CASH in the card!” “Oh, silly me, how could I have forgotten that?“ The conversation lasted about a minute, and I tell her the cash is on the way.

In the next card, I thank her for reminding me about the cash I forgot to include, but also write that I’m confused and don’t quite remember how much cash I was supposed to send. Call and let me know how much I’m supposed to send. Again she calls, this time sounding a little exasperated at what she was having to go through for a few measly bucks. She admonished me and told me I was old enough to not forget these things. I may be old, but I’m having fun! Again I’m reminded to send C…A…S…H. “How much?” Here’s where the “blonde” part of her starts to kick in. “Ten to fifteen dollars,” she says. Whoopee! We went from a high of $40. to a low of ten bucks. If I keep this up, it might be possible to get the amount down to five bucks.

“Is this making you crazy, kid?

In the next card, I did include the cash. One little problem for her…I sent Canadian dollars. Yes, it wasn’t long before I received a call from Shelby, wanting to know what the hell was the matter with me.