Thursday, November 16, 2006

HOW TO SERVICE A CAR

I find as I become older, I do more and more stupid things with each passing day. Since I plan to live to age 108, my days should be filled with nothing more than stupid deeds by me, prior to becoming dust in the street. For instance, here's an event that took place yesterday.


In response to badgering from my neighbor Steve, I decided to have the engine oil replaced in my car. Steve is anal when it comes to keeping his car washed, polished and serviced. I on the other hand, couldn't care less about car upkeep. I'm happy as long as it gets me from point a to point b without breaking down.


When I get around to it, I usually go to Jiffy Lube for oil changes and had every intention of doing so this time. Here's where the stupid part kicks in. While in WalMart, I passed the auto section and said to myself, "Why not." I grabbed five quarts of oil, a filter, and an oil change box, paid for the items and then went home to start the task. To my credit, I changed into clothing that was one step from the local landfill.


I jacked up the front of the car and crawled under it with wrench in hand to drain the oil. I found the drain plug and instead of the adjustable wrench I thought was needed to remove it, I discovered it required an allen wrench. I don’t recall ever seeing an oil drain plug requiring an allen wrench, but I’m progressive and realize things change. After several trips to the tool box, I finally got one to fit the plug. One would think I would have taken all of the allen wrenches with me at one time in order to lessen the number of times I had to go from standing to laying on my back. Stupid!


I pulled the plug and while the oil was draining, I remember thinking that the stream of oil didn’t look very dirty or discolored. In fact, it looked clear and clean. Another thing, not a lot drained out. Could it be that there was an obstruction covering the hole preventing the remaining oil from draining? Or was the engine very low on oil. Not surprising, since I never check the oil level. So, I stuck my finger in the hole and immediately got burned because the pan was extremely hot. Stupid!


Got up and pulled the oil dipstick. It showed full. What the hell.....? Scratched my head, stood there for a while and it finally came to me. The oil dipstick was on the right side of the car and I had drained the oil pan on the left side of the car. Right! I had drained the transmission fluid and confirmed it when I checked the dipstick on the left side of the car. Stupid!


Crawled under the car again, which each time is getting harder to do and finally found the oil plug sort of hidden at the rear of the pan. Now I really start to get stupid. I look into the box containing the drained transmission fluid, and the material that soaks up the fluid didn’t appear to be very wet. So I decided there would be enough room for the engine oil and removed the plug which immediately fell into the box. All I could do was watch the level of oil rise in the box until it started to overflow its sides. Now I’m cussing and trying to keep the oil from running down the driveway. The puddle is getting bigger, it’s spreading fast, and I’m flopping around like a fish out of water trying to move fast enough to stay out of its path. By now, the neighbors are coming over to check out the commotion and I hear one of them yell to her spouse, “Get the camera, get the camera!“ Smart ass. What a friggin mess, and finding the plug in the box of oil was no piece of cake either! Think it ends here? Not hardly.


One would think transmission fluid is transmission fluid. Well, it’s not. Different fluid for different cars. Checked three places and finally found some that was made for the Toyota. I was told it would take 4.9 quarts to the tune of about 25 bucks. I get home and start dumping the fluid into the transmission and after the third quart, my brain reminds me that it didn’t seem like a lot of transmission fluid had drained initially. So, I shove the dipstick in and wouldn’t you know it. The transmission was overfilled, by a lot. Now what! More stupid. I decide to shove a plastic tube down the filling tube in an effort to siphon out the extra fluid. Didn’t work because the diameter of the tube was too small. Plus, the fluid tastes like crap. Back under the car to remove the plug to drain some fluid. I couldn’t get the plug back into the hole and more drained out than necessary. All the while, neighbors are standing there laughing at me.


Got the driveway cleaned as best I could, slapped a "For Sale" sign on the car and had a beer.

5 comments:

Leonna said...

If nothing else your relating your experience got me off to a cheerful day. I was laughing so hard I nearly peed. (And at my age...)
After all the oil changes you did on the bug ... how you taught me how to maintain a car ... and you did exactly what you used to laugh at other guys for. You must be getting old.

Family said...

Well, you've got to look at it in a positive light - at least it was something constructive to spend your time on. We wouldn't want you out there on the street with the women and the booze. Ta he he.

Family said...

DUMB A$$! THANKS FOR THE LAUGH! YOUR SON...Next time spend the $29.95 a Jiffy Lube!

Anonymous said...

hey uncle bob... you RETARDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! gosh..even i know about changing the oil, and not to drain the transmission fluid... helloo..well, i just came here to harrass you. so one more thing before i go..

uncle bob is a nut, he has a rubber butt, every time he turns around, FUT!!!! FUT!!!! FUT!!!!

hahahahahahaha. lol

PEACEE

Anonymous said...

oh, by the way, the person before this was MEEEEEEEE. your wonderful neighbors from upper mauka..the high maka people. haha..not even. well anyway, just to let you know it was me.


nicole